I want to walk on stilts...naked
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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