Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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