Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
