Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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