I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
