I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Randomize
