his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
