Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
