This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
