my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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