Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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