I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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