I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
