is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
