Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize