Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I am mentally ready for anal.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
