i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
