There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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