O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
