don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
someone owes me an orgasm
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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