Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
