Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Randomize
