a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
