I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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