its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
