Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize