I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Its about making memories worth repressing
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
