I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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