true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
