The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
