My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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