Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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