batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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