the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
