I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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