Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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