He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
40s are totally the cure
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize