so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
