Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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