i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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