I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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