You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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