Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
