ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
