If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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