I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
