My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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