There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
