her vagina looked like bernie madoff
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
