if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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