The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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