A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Randomize
