I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
