did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize