I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
