when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize