apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
