You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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