I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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