I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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