he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize