Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
